Supreme Self Esteem

Supreme Self Esteem

Self-esteem is​ incredibly important. in​ fact, I think it​ is​ so important that I am going to​ say that again. Self-esteem is​ incredibly important. Many people have the notion​ that it​ is​ the same as​ self-confidence; however it​ is​ far more than just self-confidence. if​ we look further into the origins of​ the word esteem itself, as​ we look etymologically, it​ comes from the word aestimate, which literally means ‘to put a​ value on.’ as​ you​ might guess, this​ word shares the same root as​ the word ‘estimate.’ Therefore, we can see that self-esteem, really does just mean; the value we put on​ ourselves.

Now then, what are the key components of​ self-esteem? When someone has high self-esteem, they have a​ genuine, deep rooted sense of​ self; they actually like (and​ often love) themselves; they can and​ do recognise and​ be in​ control of​ their internal state; and​ they have a​ sound sense of​ purpose, or​ rather they act and​ behave with purpose. These are not magical gifts that we were given at​ birth, oh no. One of​ the key concepts in​ many of​ my self-improvement or​ change programmes or​ writings is​ a​ presupposition​ of​ neuro linguistic programming (NLP) and​ that is: what others do, you​ can learn. So that is​ where I am going to​ start here, by indicating and​ illustrating just what it​ is​ that people with high self-esteem actually do, I am going to​ break it​ down into easily consumable chunks so that you​ can replicate them and​ apply them to​ your​ own life immediately.
These things, if​ applied in​ the correct way, can have an​ amazing impact on​ anyone’s self-esteem.

Developing your​ Own Sense of​ Self:

Many of​ the individuals that I have worked with over the years tell me that they lack self-confidence. I hear it​ so very often. as​ mentioned previously, self-esteem is​ the value we place on​ ourselves whereas self-confidence relates to​ our actions. Again, if​ we look at​ the word ‘self-confidence’ it​ means to​ trust in​ ourselves, so at​ its root it​ implies some kind of​ challenge or​ task that is​ to​ be undertaken in​ some way. to​ be more specific, confidence usually relates to​ our ability to​ do something or​ to​ have some kind of​ competency. We are confident in​ our ability to​ do something, to​ behave in​ a​ particular way in​ a​ particular situation, to​ take on​ a​ particular challenge.
it​ has been my experience that it​ is​ almost impossible to​ have self-confidence if​ we do not have self-esteem.

I once worked with a​ lady who was naturally very gifted in​ her specialised field and​ was a​ legal secretary. Following her initial training and​ joining a​ legal firm, she was recognised by the senior partners as​ being intelligent, conscientious and​ diligent as​ well as​ hard working. She really was an​ asset to​ the company and​ got on​ very well with her colleagues. at​ the end of​ her first year of​ working for​ the company, she was offered a​ more senior position​ and​ she was given some additional responsibility along with a​ slight increase in​ her salary.
Following three years in​ this​ role, the legal team office manager role became available and​ as​ she had been as​ good as​ running the office anyway, one of​ the company’s senior partners recommended that she apply. The partner felt that she deserved the role and​ encouraged her to​ apply. But, the lady in​ question​ was rather taken aback by the suggestion; she did not feel qualified or​ competent enough to​ take the role on​ or​ to​ even consider applying. She had always managed to​ successfully find reasons for​ dismissing praise, she told herself that she simply did not deserve it​ and​ that anyone could have done what she did and​ that there would come a​ day that one of​ the partners would realise that she was not that good at​ her job and​ she would be shown for​ what she really was. Therefore she just did not apply. Remarkable. What’s more, I know that you​ know someone just like this.

I encounter so many people like this. So many. People that have this​ low self-esteem and​ are not able to​ generalise from the obvious successful results that they are having, or​ the acknowledgement they receive. it​ is​ almost as​ if​ they don’t ‘hear’ the praise that they are given. Because of​ this, the lady I mentioned earlier lacked the confidence to​ apply for​ the promotion; and​ many people with low self-esteem consistently and​ continually underachieve in​ their lives. Most of​ them spend their entire lifetimes underestimating themselves and​ feeling that they are not worthy.
So what we are going to​ do is​ to​ explore. Over the years I have investigated those people that do have self-esteem and​ how they actually think and​ behave. it​ is​ all about that probing question​ ‘How do they do that?”

When I worked at​ the Independent National newspaper in​ central London​ when I was younger, the newspaper had been bought by a​ new owner and​ was moving from where the previous owners, the Mirror group were based, in​ Canary Wharf in​ Docklands, London, to​ new premises in​ a​ slightly different part of​ London. a​ girl called Samantha was the Managing Directors PA and​ rather than using a​ proper project manager of​ some sort, the MD organised the relocation​ himself with Samantha’s help.
She liked being who she was, had done well at​ school, this​ was only her second job and​ she had worked up the secretarial ranks to​ become the MD’s PA. She did not mind being asked to​ help with anything out of​ the ordinary or​ unusual. The day before the office relocation​ was due to​ happen, the MD was involved in​ a​ car accident and​ had to​ take some time off due to​ being in​ hospital for​ a​ night and​ then off for​ a​ period of​ recovery. Another director asked Samantha if​ she would oversee the relocation​ as​ she had been so involved in​ the process. She was very slightly apprehensive but of​ course agreed with no hesitation: after all, she knew most of​ the arrangements that had been made, and​ what’s more the MD had a​ mobile that she could call if​ she was desperate.

Now I mention​ this​ because you​ can see the differences between the two people in​ those examples. Not only did Samantha have a​ more easygoing temperament than the lady mentioned in​ my first example, she was also far more comfortable with herself and​ of​ course that naturally meant that she could take the leap of​ confidence in​ herself that was required for​ her to​ take on​ the last minute responsibility.
Both of​ the women were extremely capable, however, the first mentioned lady had a​ low sense of​ self-worth, whereas Samantha believed in​ herself. So, what about you? I would like you​ to​ answer these questions to​ yourself:

• Can you​ accept a​ compliment straight, without verbally or​ non-verbally deflecting it​ and​ without dismissing it​ or​ having to​ qualify it​ in​ your​ mind.
• Are you​ ever afraid that you​ may well be ‘found out’ one day?
• Can you​ list 5-10 things that you​ like about yourself without hesitation, just doing it​ straight away?
• What is​ your​ reaction​ (internally and​ externally) when you​ are asked to​ try something that you​ have not done before, something new?
• What do you​ say to​ yourself inside your​ mind when you​ are about to​ do something that challenges you​ or​ that is​ difficult?

Really take some time and​ even consider writing down your​ answers, it​ is​ always good to​ see this​ kind of​ information​ in​ writing as​ well as​ it​ being in​ your​ mind. Then, what do your​ answers suggest about you​ and​ how much you​ like yourself? Do you​ think well of​ yourself? Are you​ happy being you? Are you​ critical about yourself and​ your​ abilities? I recommend writing these down again​ because you​ can then compare and​ contrast your​ answers when you​ have finished following these techniques and​ strategies. So, lets move on​ to​ those strategies and​ techniques.

The first of​ the strategies that I want to​ mention​ is: Accepting Compliments.

Quite simply, the easiest way to​ accept a​ compliment is​ just by saying “Thank You.” Not too difficult is​ it? Remember a​ compliment that someone has paid you, however small or​ minor you​ may consider it: imagine hearing it​ in​ your​ head again, play it​ over and​ over or​ better still, say it​ out loud to​ yourself and​ then say “Thank You.” you​ may want to​ experiment with a​ variety of​ tones of​ voice or​ accents or​ mannerisms as​ well as​ different facial expressions to​ find some of​ the ways that resonate the best with you​ and​ that seems the most natural.
you​ need to​ push your​ boundaries out here and​ really do this. Practice this​ over and​ over. I would recommend that you​ practice this​ in​ front of​ a​ mirror too even if​ it​ does feel unusual. Then, on​ the next occasion​ that someone gives you​ a​ compliment, because there will be some, catch what you​ do, even if​ your​ old response tries to​ kick in​ again. Even if​ it​ does, notice what you​ did and​ just offer a​ “Thank You” anyway. as​ you​ keep on​ doing this​ your​ brain​ will learn the new response and​ will begin​ doing it​ automatically.

Worrying about being found out:

Hmmm. Ok, ask yourself this​ question: what exactly is​ it​ that I do not want other people to​ know? Really ask yourself that and​ answer it​ thoroughly and​ precisely. The majority of​ people just don’t want people to​ think badly of​ them or​ their abilities. this​ kind of​ worry or​ fear almost always has to​ do with what you​ anticipate happening and​ not what actually does happen; it​ tends to​ be removed from reality.
So now is​ time for​ a​ reality check. These people that often feel unworthy about their capabilities at​ work or​ about their attractiveness are underestimating themselves. you​ should observe the other people at​ your​ work or​ in​ your​ life that seem quite contented with themselves and​ notice that contentment and​ ability are not related. They are not correlated. at​ the same time, you​ only have to​ take a​ good look at​ couples in​ any public place to​ notice that beauty really is​ in​ the eye of​ the beholder. it​ has often helped to​ ask two very powerful questions here to​ discover other possible reasons for​ your​ unnecessary worries:

• What stops you​ (feeling good about yourself)?
• What would happen if​ you​ did (feel good about yourself)?

Learning to​ Like You:

Ok, it​ is​ time to​ take out your​ self-esteem journal or​ that piece of​ paper to​ write on​ again. as​ we touched on​ earlier, I would like you​ to​ list anything you​ can think of​ that you​ like about yourself. it​ might be the dimples in​ your​ cheeks when you​ smile, or​ the crookedness of​ your​ teeth, or​ the fact that you​ can spell words really easily, or​ that you​ have good morals, or​ that you​ are honest. Absolutely anything applies here. Keep on​ collecting and​ adding to​ this​ list. Now check this​ list against your​ logical levels exercise that you​ did at​ the very beginning of​ this​ programme. Think about your​ environment, your​ beliefs and​ values, your​ capabilities, your​ behaviour and​ identity and​ think about your​ characteristics on​ each level and​ find more and​ more things on​ many differing levels that contribute to​ your​ own unique identity. Then keep this​ list somewhere important to​ be able to​ refer to​ and​ remind yourself often of​ its contents.

Doing Different Things:

Lots of​ us react with fright, fear and​ anxiety when confronted with new things! Oh, no, a​ new thing! So if​ you​ do respond that way, spell out the worst case scenarios you​ have in​ your​ mind. Really spell them out, write them down if​ it​ will help. Sometimes this​ is​ enough to​ make you​ realise that they are silly fears or​ maybe they are a​ bit (or a​ lot) unlikely. I bet they are. However, if​ your​ worst case scenario could happen, think about how it​ could be managed and​ overcome. Take it​ a​ step further and​ think about someone you​ know would overcome it​ – what exactly would they do? How would they go about it? So, instead of​ letting that fear harbour itself deep within​ you​ as​ if​ you​ were burying it, take it​ on​ and​ find and​ create a​ strategy for​ dealing with it. Much more often than not at​ least one of​ these approaches can and​ will defuse the anxiety. Now, if​ it​ doesn’t, your​ intuition​ and​ instincts may well be right: so don’t do it!

Communicating With You:

I have written a​ lot before about our internal dialogue, if​ you​ really have too much of​ it​ and​ you​ want to​ use it​ far better, I would recommend you​ read my best-selling book ‘The Secrets of​ Self-Hypnosis: Harnessing the Power of​ your​ Unconscious Mind’ or​ you​ look through the archives of​ my ezine for​ the article that I wrote on​ it​ before. Please remember the archive is​ temporary, please read those articles before they are moved.
The point I want to​ make here is​ that if​ you​ persist on​ telling yourself not to​ make an​ idiot of​ yourself in​ front of​ others, or​ remembering how things went wrong the last time, or​ highlighting to​ yourself how useless you​ are, then that internal dialogue voice may well be contributing to​ your​ problem. in​ fact, I know it​ is!
So instead, begin​ to​ think: what would you​ say to​ someone else in​ the same situation​ if​ you​ wanted to​ encourage them? Work it​ out and​ again, write it​ down. How would you​ encourage them? Then continue to​ say those things to​ yourself. Do this. Say those things to​ yourself instead of​ all that other nonsense that you​ used to​ persist on​ saying. Be convincing and​ sincere; really mean it. Now how does that feel? to​ have that kind of​ progressive internal dialogue instead. it​ can be like a​ breath of​ fresh air for​ your​ brain, you​ are nurturing it. Because we engage in​ it​ so very much, each time you​ create some internal dialogue the more supportive you​ become and​ this​ makes a​ real difference to​ you​ self-esteem and​ your​ self-confidence.

Self-Esteem Telling Signals:

How can you​ tell if​ someone has self-esteem? it​ is​ so easy to​ tell, though not many people actually notice. One of​ the surest indicators is​ that people with self-esteem just do not need to​ prove themselves. By that I mean that they do not need to:

• Boast.
• Put others down.
• Show off.
• Name-drop.
• Hog the limelight.
• Tell you​ all about themselves and​ their achievements.

It is​ often individuals who do these seemingly confident behaviours that have quite low self-esteem.

Earlier this​ year, I was speaking at​ a​ large conference in​ Las Vegas and​ over 500 people were there to​ listen to​ the team of​ speakers of​ which I was one. The main​ speaker was someone I had heard of​ and​ is​ very well known across the world and​ so I wanted to​ speak to​ them as​ much as​ I could and​ glean some tips or​ just get to​ know them. I wanted to​ do the same with all the speakers and​ as​ we were waiting to​ go on​ stage, I took some time out to​ chat with all the speakers and​ they were all nice and​ at​ ease, no-one displaying any signs of​ anxiety at​ the prospect of​ speaking to​ this​ large audience. However, I really did notice that the well known speaker asked no questions of​ any of​ the others, in​ fact they did not show any interest in​ any of​ the other speakers at​ all. Which surprised me a​ little. Instead, the person​ maintained a​ relaxed demeanour and​ outward appearance but focused all the time on​ them self. it​ was all one way and​ self-centred. I suspected that they were not at​ all comfortable being this​ well-known speaker at​ all. I confirmed this​ later on​ when that person​ asked me if​ I would spend some time with them to​ help coach them through some things that they wanted to​ deal with following a​ later conversation.

People with true, genuine, real, sincere self-esteem, however well known they are, usually display very different characteristics:

• They have a​ quiet confidence.
• They do not fish for​ compliments – but they do accept them well: they know what they are worth.
• They may be quite humble.
• They recognise and​ are often interested in​ other people and​ their achievements.
• They may not be bothered about receiving external recognition.

you​ can read the body language of​ someone with self-esteem as​ it​ usually speaks for​ them. They are often physically relaxed, upright, calm and​ measured in​ movement, they are decisive and​ without hesitation​ and​ they make good eye contact freely and​ comfortably.
it​ has been my experience that despite there being so many people out there who display apparent confidence and​ competence, actually doubt themselves and​ their own abilities. (hey, you​ may well be one of​ them) I know I spent years and​ years showing off due to​ a​ lack of​ self-esteem. These days I just show off because I am childish and​ silly. I joke. These people though, may well stand​ up for​ others, but fail to​ stand​ up for​ themselves. They may well be sensitive and​ sympathetic – but not about their own limitations. Bear in​ mind that when you​ meet other people, whether they are dominating and​ outgoing or​ just quietly efficient, they may both have a​ serious lack of​ self-esteem.
as​ with so many things, as​ with so many areas that I work within​ and​ as​ we have touched on​ already, modelling can really help. Stop and​ think about people you​ know who have a​ strong sense of​ self: how do they behave? How do they seem to​ think? What is​ important to​ them? What do they believe? What tells you​ that they are genuinely comfortable with themselves? Trust your​ intuition​ here and​ make the most of​ your​ observations. Again, note this​ stuff down.
Imagine that you​ were someone else that is​ watching you​ from the outside. as​ you​ look at​ yourself, how could you​ begin​ incorporate what you​ have learnt from your​ self valuation​ and​ apply them to​ yourself. Really have a​ think about that.

Supreme Self Esteem

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