Why Do I Write Poetry

Why Do I​ Write Poetry?
I use words as​ others use algebraic signs: with meticulousness, with caution, with the precision of​ the artisan .​
I​ sculpt in​ words .​
I​ stop .​
I​ tilt my head .​
I​ listen to​ the echoes .​
The tables of​ emotional resonance .​
The fine tuned reverberations of​ pain and love and fear .​
Air waves and photonic ricochets answered by chemicals secreted in​ my listeners and my readers .​
I know beauty .​
I​ have always known it​ in​ the biblical sense, it​ was my passionate mistress .​
We made love .​
We procreated the cold children of​ my texts .​
I​ measured its aesthetics admiringly .​
But this is​ the mathematics of​ grammar .​
It was merely the undulating geometry of​ syntax.
Devoid of​ all emotions, I​ watch your reactions with the sated amusement of​ a​ Roman nobleman.
I wrote:
My world is​ painted in​ shadows of​ fear and sadness .​
Perhaps they are related - I​ fear the sadness .​
To avoid the overweening, sepia melancholy that lurks in​ the dark corners of​ my being - I​ deny my own emotions .​
I​ do so thoroughly, with the single-mindedness of​ a​ survivor .​
I​ persevere through dehumanization .​
I​ automate my processes .​
Gradually, parts of​ my flesh turn into metal and I​ stand there, exposed to​ sheering winds, as​ grandiose as​ my disorder.
I write poetry not because I​ need to .​
I​ write poetry to​ gain attention, to​ secure adulation, to​ fasten on to​ the reflection in​ the eyes of​ others that passes for my Ego .​
My words are fireworks, formulas of​ resonance, the periodic table of​ healing and abuse.
These are dark poems .​
a​ wasted landscape of​ pain ossified, of​ scarred remnants of​ emotions .​
There is​ no horror in​ abuse .​
The terror is​ in​ the endurance, in​ the dreamlike detachment from one's own existence that follows .​
People around me feel my surrealism .​
They back away, alienated, discomfited by the limpid placenta of​ my virtual reality.
Now I​ am left alone and I​ write umbilical poems as​ others would converse.
Before and after prison, I​ have written reference books and essays .​
My first book of​ short fiction was critically acclaimed and commercially successful.
I tried my hand at​ poetry before, in​ Hebrew, but failed .​
Tis strange .​
They say that poetry is​ the daughter of​ emotion .​
Not in​ my case.
I never felt except in​ prison - and yet there, I​ wrote in​ prose .​
The poetry I​ authored as​ one does math .​
It was the syllabic music that attracted me, the power to​ compose with words .​
I​ wasn't looking to​ express any profound truth or​ to​ convey a​ thing about myself .​
I​ wanted to​ recreate the magic of​ the broken metric .​
I​ still recite aloud a​ poem until it​ SOUNDS right .​
I​ write upright - the legacy of​ prison .​
I​ stand and type on a​ laptop perched atop a​ cardboard box .​
It is​ ascetic and, to​ me, so is​ poetry .​
a​ purity .​
An abstraction .​
a​ string of​ symbols open to​ exegesis .​
It is​ the most sublime intellectual pursuit in​ a​ world that narrowed down and has become only my intellect.

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