Just Say No To Sex Dr Coburn Shows You How

Just Say No To Sex Dr Coburn Shows You How

Just Say No to​ Sex. Dr. Coburn Shows You How!
Extended spoof,​ presented in​ 10 installments of​ 4 pages each. This is​ the​ fourth installment; previous ones are presented below each new installment,​ in​ case you miss one or​ more.
But before I ​ move on​ to​ the​ next section,​ Dr. Coburn told Dan,​ let me point out that you actually have,​ not just three,​ but an entire armory of​ defensive words you can turn to.
How do you figure?
Consider all the​ things that you immediately associate with the​ words I ​ gave you. For example,​ take Tyrannosaurus Rex. What comes to​ mind?
Fossils,​ Dan replied tentatively.
Good. And?
Very good,​ Dr. Coburn commended him. Now try Texaco.
And Mexico?
Taco? Dan wondered.
Oh,​ I ​ get it,​ he said. Taco,​ burrito,​ old bones,​ gasoline,​ selfservice!
Right! and what’s the​ principle behind what we’ve just discovered? the​ core words of​ your defensive system have ancillary associations that you can hurl against an encroaching enemy when and if​ the​ need should arise.
Wow,​ talk about empowerment! I ​ can think of​ associations all night.
Good. But these words only constitute your first line of​ defense. Now that you’ve mastered them,​ its time to​ move deeper into the​ Coburn Method,​ which brings us to​ my rocksolid Axioms of​ Abstinence. How are you holding up?
Im ready to​ go on.
Good,​ good! Then let’s dive right in​ and begin with one of​ my most charming and selfevident axioms. Number ten.
Ten? Dan wanted to​ know. Why dont you begin with one?
Excellent question! Dr. Coburn ejaculated. I ​ thought you might ask. Do you expect to​ be tempted in​ numerical order? No! You must be able to​ think of​ any axiom at​ any moment. Therefore,​ I ​ teach them is​ as​ chaotic a​ manner as​ the​ tumult of​ desire itself. Got it?
Wow,​ you thought of​ everything.
And so I ​ have,​ Dr. Coburn conceded,​ proudly heaping the​ laudation on​ himself. Now,​ here is​ axiom ten. Listen carefully. ‘Winking leads to​ interest. Interest leads to​ intimacy. Therefore,​ winking must be avoided. ’ Please,​ repeat that.
Right,​ Dan said,​ concentrating. ’Winking leads to​ interest. Interest leads to​ intimacy. Therefore,​ winking must be avoided!’
Very good! Got it​ the​ first time! Im extremely satisfied with your progress!
Thank you,​ sir. You dont know how grateful I ​ am. But can I ​ ask a​ question?
Go right ahead.
Are there ever exceptions to​ your axioms?
Dan,​ an axiom is​ just what it​ says it​ is. Axiomatic! I ​ wouldn’t call it​ an axiom if​ there were exceptions to​ it. the​ wonderful truth is,​ all of​ Coburns Axioms of​ Abstinence are as​ definite as​ a​ railroad track. You follow them and you’ll get where you’re going. And the​ sooner the​ human race says,​ ‘All aboard,​’ Coburn’s train,​ the​ sooner we​ may all travel to​ a​ land of​ incremental bliss,​ where,​ in​ moderate and healthy numbers,​ we​ shall cultivate a​ rejuvenated and resplendent earth,​ at​ least,​ for as​ long as​ the​ dynamics of​ the​ universe permit us to​ continue on​ it,​ which,​ we​ trust,​ will be so many eons the​ possible terminus is​ the​ least of​ our worries.
But dont you think some people might jump the​ track?
Oh,​ no doubt about it,​ Dan. But one cannot be dissuaded by the​ inevitable handful of​ weakwilled fornicators. One must keep his eye on​ the​ far horizon,​ the​ shining ideal,​ and then whatever is​ within reach becomes attainable. I ​ can assure you that,​ despite these occasional exceptions,​ Coburns Method will have its day. And why? Necessity,​ my boy! the​ great,​ silent force that adjudicates all of​ our tough decisionmaking. My approach will be victorious or​ else we​ are doomed to​ a​ world where the​ reckless billions will be squeezed shoulder to​ shoulder,​ breathing the​ unbreathable,​ drinking the​ undrinkable,​ and dying like flies from disease and hunger,​ while even then no doubt some utterly uncontrollable lunatic will attempt to​ slip in​ an orgasm. And that dire comeuppance does not even take into account the​ regrettable tragedy that we​ will have by then left precious little room for the​ other creatures of​ the​ earth. Moreover,​ how long can we​ expect that nature will be patient with our burdensome and plagued numbers? we​ might,​ in​ fact,​ be surprised at​ any time by a​ sudden environmental collapse,​ in​ which we​ could all die off like the​ dinosaurs.
Yes! I’m talking here about no less than a​ sexinflicted mass extinction! Then the​ doctor grew calm for a​ moment. I ​ will give you an example,​ on​ a​ miniature scale,​ to​ prove that such an extinction may well happen. it​ is​ the​ tale of​ a​ rustic tragedy that befell me some years ago when I ​ owned a​ summer place with a​ small trout pound. in​ spring,​ when the​ water was cool and rich in​ dissolved oxygen,​ the​ lovely trout leapt and fed at​ every bug that fell upon the​ water. Then the​ heat of​ summer came and much of​ the​ oxygen evanesced from the​ water. the​ trout,​ feeling listless,​ seemed to​ disappear. the​ lake was as​ still as​ a​ watery grave. I,​ the​ uncomprehending owner,​ mistakenly concluded from the​ inactivity of​ the​ finny creatures that there were no longer enough of​ them in​ the​ pond. Perhaps,​ I ​ thought,​ the​ muskrats,​ otters,​ and birds of​ prey had eaten many of​ them. I ​ was,​ in​ fact,​ so inexperienced in​ the​ ways of​ the​ wild I ​ imagined each time I ​ stocked the​ pond that the​ observant land creatures were sitting on​ the​ hillside,​ clapping at​ the​ bountiful feast that had just arrived. And what did I,​ the​ amateur aquaculturist,​ do? I ​ decided to​ order more trout from the​ hatchery. And what happened? the​ next morning I ​ awoke to​ find every last trout in​ the​ pond belly up. There were simply too many of​ them for the​ amount of​ oxygen in​ the​ water and they had all suffocated overnight!
Thats really sad.
Immensely! and that morning I ​ learned the​ greatest lesson of​ my life!
What,​ Dr. Coburn?
That the​ adaptability of​ the​ environment and natures seemingly irrepressible will to​ live have their limits,​ which,​ once trespassed,​ lead on​ to​ inevitable ruin. I ​ realized the​ potential fragility of​ the​ biosphere and how overpopulation might precipitate its sudden and irremediable collapse. it​ was,​ in​ fact,​ at​ this time that I ​ began my quest for a​ workable,​ ethically unimpeachable restraint on​ the​ selfdefeating human proclivity to​ overbear children and,​ along with the​ activity required for such fecundity,​ to​ communicate HIV and other STDs.
I’m glad you shared that story with me. Wow,​ talk about an experience. Let me just say,​ I ​ hope someday your method works for everybody.
Thank you,​ Dan. I ​ appreciate that. Frankly,​ I’ll settle for almost everybody. the​ fact is,​ there is​ simply no available alternative with equal potential. I ​ ask you,​ can we​ expect adequate success in​ population control and disease prevention with condoms? if​ so,​ why are the​ problems still with us,​ while in​ these fearful and sorrowful times condoms sprinkle down upon the​ earth like perpetual autumn leaves? and can we​ hope for the​ universal availability of​ any sort of​ artificial contraception in​ the​ most desperate voids of​ the​ world? No! I ​ tell you,​ the​ only answer resides in​ the​ human mind,​ a​ solution needing only to​ be reinforced by my method. Just think of​ it,​ Dan! No further scientific breakthrough is​ necessary. All that is​ required is​ the​ power to​ say,​ ‘No!’ ‘No!’ to​ every occasion that may lead to​ arousal! and were all aware of​ what arousal can lead to,​ aren’t we?
What,​ Dr. Coburn?
I refer you to​ Coburns Fifth Axiom of​ Abstinence,​ he told Dan,​ and went on​ to​ quote it. ’Arousal leads to​ contact. Contact leads to​ sex. Therefore,​ arousal must be avoided. ’
Boy,​ you really know the​ material. But how can I ​ avoid arousal? I ​ mean,​ Im not responsible for the​ way Ive been designed. I ​ see a​ cute girl,​ and bingo! there I ​ am,​ aroused. Im just trying to​ live with the​ setup.
Yes,​ and quite a​ challenge it​ is,​ Dan. Which is​ precisely why I ​ devised Coburns FortySeventh Axiom.
At that moment,​ Melanie entered,​ as​ if​ to​ check on​ the​ progress of​ Dan’s tutelage.
Ah,​ just in​ time,​ Melanie. Darling,​ tell Dan one of​ the​ ways to​ avoid the​ snare of​ arousal.
I just came in​ to​ say I’m going out.
But before you leave,​ give him my fortyseventh axiom. Nothing inspires like a​ good example.
Do I ​ have to?
Please,​ for Daddy.
Oh,​ all right,​ she said,​ and stared off to​ prepare her recital. ’Attraction leads to​ familiarity. Familiarity leads to​ arousal. Therefore,​ attraction must be avoided. ’
Excellent,​ as​ always,​ Mel! Dr. Coburn effused.
Hey,​ Melanie,​ good job,​ Dan told her. I ​ cant wait to​ know the​ material as​ well as​ you do.
Youve got to​ be kidding,​ she said.
Now,​ now,​ Mel. Give Mr. Fox a​ chance.
Thats all I ​ ask,​ Dan told her.
And thats all you need,​ my boy,​ Dr. Coburn assured him. Soon you,​ too,​ will know exactly how to​ say no no to​ winking,​ no to​ attraction,​ no to​ arousal,​ no to​ touching and kissing,​ no the​ whole gamut of​ sexual enchantment! he concluded. Now,​ I ​ think we’ve covered enough for today. See you back here tomorrow,​ same time,​ OK?
Tomorrow? Dan asked.
As I ​ said when we​ began,​ in​ the​ early stages,​ we​ need to​ get you as​ close as​ we​ can to​ total immersion.
OK,​ I’ll be here. I ​ want to​ move ahead as​ fast as​ possible.
Goodbye,​ Daddy.
Mel,​ if​ you want me to,​ I ​ can walk with you,​ Dan volunteered.
No,​ no,​ Dan,​ Dr. Coburn interjected. I’m afraid it’s too early for ‘walking together,​’ considering what it​ can lead to. Wait here with me for a​ few minutes,​ while Melanie goes her way.
I don’t get it. What does walking together lead to? Dan wanted to​ know.
Touching,​ you idiot! Melanie told him,​ and turned to​ depart.
Dan made good on​ his word. He came to​ study with Dr. Coburn promptly at​ the​ times appointed for his lessons.
From the​ day of​ his arrival onward,​ Melanie just didn’t seem to​ be herself. There was a​ persistent,​ unfamiliar unease about her demeanor. Then one day,​ when the​ bell rang at​ his lesson time,​ she could no longer repress her turmoil.
Daddy,​ please,​ dont let him in! she pleaded.
But why,​ child? Dr. Coburn asked,​ puzzled at​ her sudden anxiety. You arent,​ by some remote chance,​ feeling that old bugaboo attraction,​ are you?
For him? No way!
Then,​ please,​ just consider him another rightminded pupil of​ mine.
How can I ​ do that when everyone is​ making fun of​ me?
Fun of​ you? in​ what way,​ Mel?
Do I ​ have to​ go into it? she asked.
I don’t know how else I ​ can make an acute evaluation of​ your situation.
With visible perturbations,​ she said,​ Theyre saying I ​ cant possibly be a​ virgin anymore.
How on​ earth could they arrive at​ that inconceivable conclusion?
Because hes here every day,​ thats why!
And those fools have concluded that,​ as​ a​ result,​ he has seduced you? You,​ my most dependable adherent? Why,​ their comments aren’t anymore substantial than the​ breath they’ve expended to​ express them. And the​ proof is​ easy to​ ascertain. Now that Dan has been studying with me,​ all your friends have to​ do is​ talk to​ him. Theyll quickly realize he couldn’t possibly be interested in​ having sex with you or,​ I ​ dare say,​ with anyone else. He has made remarkable progress.
Sure,​ he has,​ she sighed sarcastically. They think he’s only here for one reason.
Time will soon dispel that illusion.
Will it?
Melanie,​ dont tell me you’ve come to​ doubt the​ efficacy of​ my tutelage?
Im sorry,​ Daddy. But hes got such a​ reputation for,​ for
No need to​ get sexplicit,​ dear. I ​ understand completely. I’ll tell you what. Let me demonstrate to​ you how far he has come in​ the​ welcome remediation of​ his behavior. After Ive finished with his lesson,​ you can give him some advanced training.
Daddy,​ please,​ I ​ can’t.
Sure,​ you can. Believe me,​ I ​ wouldnt suggest the​ tactic if​ I ​ wasn’t convinced hes at​ the​ stage where he can control his previous derelictions.
You really think he won’t try anything?
If he does,​ I’ll boot him out permanently.
Unconditionally. the​ experience will shore up the​ slight wavering you may be experiencing in​ your faith in​ my method. And it​ will give you plenty of​ ammunition to​ dispel the​ illusions of​ your errant friends.
All right,​ Daddy. Ill be in​ my room,​ studying.
Call you when I’m ready,​ he told her,​ and gave her a​ onearmed hug.
Then he headed for the​ door.
End of​ Fourth Installment

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