How To Survive An Evil Cult Humor

How To Survive An Evil Cult Humor

Below are some basic tips for​ evil cult leaders and​ members:

Pick one faith and​ stay with it. Dilettantism is​ the​ mark of​ an​ amateur.

Familiarize yourself with the​ specifications for​ sacrificial victims, and​ ensure that unacceptable substitutes cannot be unexpectedly introduced into the​ ceremony.

If the​ penalty for​ not-to-specs work is​ death and/or mutilation, consider working for​ a​ more fault-tolerant deity.

Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the​ correct pronunciation of​ your deity's name in​ the​ privacy of​ your own room before chanting it​ in​ public. Flash cards are often helpful.

Before agreeing to​ impregnation by a​ supernatural being, investigate the​ survival rate of​ the​ other women who have undergone the​ procedure.

Never invoke anything bigger than your head.

Eschew deities whose followers are all young; such faith groups usually employ an​ unpleasant retirement procedure.

Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over ten pounds in​ weight - it​ attracts unwelcome attention from tourists, policemen, various supernatural creatures, and​ can be downright dangerous during thunderstorms. Its jingling also tends to​ warn the​ hero of​ your approach.

Citronella candles may not be used in​ rituals. I cannot stress this enough. Pastel colored candles in​ the​ shape of​ cute animals are like direct sunlight to​ the​ Powers of​ Darkness.

Fluorescent lighting is​ very annoying to​ most netherworldly creatures.

When the​ Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the​ Evil Priest. Enraged demons always go for​ the​ pompous.

When a​ religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES. Thousands of​ cult members could be saved every year if​ they followed this simple safety tip.

When mutilating cattle, avoid the​ ones with testicles.

During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for​ later is​ now generally considered "bad form."

Contrary to​ historical belief, drugs and​ invocations do not mix. When the​ ritual goes awry, it​ is​ vitally necessary to​ be able to​ discern between the​ gibbering monstrosity to​ pump full of​ silver bullets and​ the​ gibbering monstrosity that will fade away after a​ few hours, some B complex, and​ a​ good hot bath.

Piety and​ belief are powerful things, and​ few forces in​ nature, can stand against one who is​ true to​ his faith, his god/goddess, and​ the​ deal made in​ exchange for​ the​ soul. However, it​ is​ also true that gods tend toside with the​ heaviest artillery, so be prepared to​ change sides at​ the​ drop of​ a​ hat.

For those situations where a​ fresh, living, sacrifice is​ not available, the​ lower ranks of​ demons can be fooled by microwaving a​ previously frozen chunk of​ ex-victim and​ cleverly jiggling it. However, a​ mock victim sculpted from SPAM is​ unacceptable.

Instead of​ picking human victims who are young, virginal and​ innocent (and tend to​ turn out to​ be the​ Hero's girlfriend), see if​ you can substitute mass murderers, lawyers, and​ other people who won't be missed.

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