How To Suck At SEO

How To Suck At SEO

Here are a​ few tips to​ help a​ truly great site become even better.

1. the​ Latest Grey-hat Wheeze.

Link farms,​ scraping,​ fake directories; whatever it​ is,​ get in​ there! if​ a​ newbie webmaster forum is​ buzzing about it,​ that's the​ time to​ take it​ up. Put it​ on​ your main breadwinner,​ and wait for the​ hits to​ come in.

2. Over-optimisation.

Give the​ search engines what they want. Make damn sure they know what the​ page is​ about. Seven word image names,​ ten word ALT tags,​ hidden text,​ three H1 tags,​ that'll tell the​ b**tards. Top of​ Google's first page for you. Your clients swoon at​ your mAd skILLz. Respec'!

3. No Optimisation.

Google is​ run by Gods with brains the​ size of​ watermelons. Their algorithm is​ sentient. Whatever tricks you​ try won't work. So don't try any. And when your site gets booted in​ the​ next update anyway,​ defend their right to​ do so,​ piously.

4. Content Generators.

Life's short. So much work,​ so many Stargate downloads to​ watch. Automate your content generation. Software is​ there to​ make life easier. Slap together RSS feeds,​ auto-generated text,​ free articles and Wikipedia pulls. Monetise with Adsense. Repeat for 300,​000 pages. is​ it​ time for that Pot Noodle? It's _always_ time!

5. Reciprocal links.

Google loves links,​ and it's too hard to​ get them unasked for. So ask! Send out 5000 emails cadging links to​ your .info domain. Don't bother proof-reading it,​ they'll only skim it. When they agree to​ a​ swop,​ you'll be too busy to​ reciprocate. That'll be a​ one-way link,​ then,​ ha ha!

Those sweeties at​ Google don't mind reciprocal links. Lots of​ famous sites interlink,​ so yours should be OK too. WebDevDood on​ said so.

6. Low original-to-duplicate content ratio.

People don't read. Original content is​ too expensive to​ make. the​ Google algorithm ain't all that. 200 words surrounded by the​ same header,​ footer and sidebars in​ a​ 20,​000 page site will keep them coming back again and again. Have a​ pop tart.

7. CMS with same TITLE and no META description on​ each page.

There are so few pages on​ the​ internet these days that you​ can use any open-source CMS as-is. Just set up your forum,​ slap on​ the​ Adsense,​ let your visitors witter away,​ sit back and wait for the​ search engine lurrrve! you​ bad boy,​ have another Red Bull,​ you​ deserve it!

8. Because _they_ weren't penalised,​ you​ won't be.

So many webmasters say their site has X or​ Y,​ and Google didn't mind,​ but funnily enough,​ _you_ got busted for it. Their content,​ backlinks,​ and site structure must be the​ same as​ yours,​ then,​ eh? Spooky!

9. Huge number of​ new links,​ in​ a​ short time,​ to​ a​ new domain.

DevWebDood says that if​ can get a​ million backlinks in​ a​ short space of​ time and not be penalised,​ then so can you. Just set up a​ travel or​ hotel site,​ join the​ Co-op and LinkVault,​ do a​ blog spam and watch your site race up the​ SERPs.

So what if​ it's nowhere to​ be found next month? Better the​ fleeting taste of​ victory,​ than never having tried at​ all!

10. Got banned? Give 'em Hell about it!

Write a​ long email to​ Google. State how great your site is,​ how they’re hurting your business,​ and how _you're_ doing _them_ a​ favour by letting them list it. Admit no fault,​ it​ shows weakness.

Then get on​ as​ many forums as​ you​ can complaining about how the​ SERPs suck,​ how - insert famous site here - is​ doing just what you​ did,​ and _they're_ still in.

Google will be so hurt and ashamed,​ they'll let you​ back in,​ and dial back that nasty update. you​ told _them_,​ all right!

I write these articles for fun. Pay no attention to​ my byline,​ and do not visit my site.

How To Suck At SEO

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