Bat Ejection Techniques Country Survival Course 27

Bat Ejection Techniques Country Survival Course 27

Bat Ejection Techniques – Country Survival Course #27
People lie! They lie about the​ bliss of​ rural relocation .​
They lie about the​ size of​ fish they catch .​
They lie about being there for​ you .​
But, mostly, they lie about bats! Such a​ silly thing, yet no one can admit the​ ugly truth .​
Bats only come into your house .​
It never happens to​ me, friends say .​
Evidence to​ the​ contrary exists .​
Bat visitations have occurred regularly in​ all three of​ my country homes .​
Each was a​ different style house, in​ a​ different town with different surroundings .​
No way am I​ the​ only person this is​ happening to! I’ll believe the​ annual summer bat inundation isn’t a​ part of​ normal life when butter is​ fat free and​ Smucky’s Electric gets back to​ me with that wiring estimate they promised just prior to​ the​ Mammoth die off .​
One of​ my sisters in​ particular gets a​ kick out of​ telling people I​ am a​ witch attracting bats to​ my home like anorexics migrating to​ the​ Cannes Film Festival .​
She does it​ to​ be ornery – a​ competitive sport in​ my family .​
Of course, I​ could get even by pointing out right here in​ my very public essay that she is​ my OLDER sister by a​ DECADE .​
However, I​ am too peaceable and​ well centered for​ such adolescent behavior .​
Besides, you are here to​ learn another fine country skill – the​ Bat Ejection Technique (BET).
Lesson 1 – Why BET
Rural dwellers should all master BETs .​
Realtors will never admit to​ the​ Coloptera inundation plaguing the​ West .​
Property values would tumble! Amidst all this denial, a​ seamy cover-up has formed .​
Copies of​ Bat Removal for​ Dummies are burned at​ country BBQs and​ members of​ the​ Society of​ the​ Dead Elk deliver bat traps to​ farms under cover of​ darkness .​

As my town’s resident City Idiot, I​ chose to​ break ranks .​
If Cidiots are not taught to​ deal properly with winged rodentia, both will suffer .​
Bats will be ‘baseballed’ into walls with brooms .​
If not, Cidiot homes will overflow with wiggling blankets of​ screeching critters .​
Folks will be driven back to​ the​ burbs in​ droves .​
Quite selfishly - I​ need newbies to​ stay in​ the​ country .​
Please don’t leave me alone out here! Take notes .​
Lesson 2 - History of​ the​ BET
For whatever reasons bats enter homes in​ pairs .​
My hypothesis is; one holds the​ dog door open while the​ other flies through and​ vise versa .​
Attempts to​ document this behavior have been hampered by the​ presence of​ innumerable dogs kissing my eyes shut when I​ stake out the​ laundry room floor .​
Nonetheless, like bats to​ Noah’s ark, they arrive by twos .​
Throughout history Novice Bat Ejectors dispelled unwanted intruders with the​ pacifistic Zero Interference Technique (ZIT) .​
For a​ true ZIT open all windows and​ doors and​ cower on the​ floor waiting for​ the​ bats to​ fly back out .​
I​ researched the​ effectiveness of​ this method at​ my first country home .​
There are three problems with this technique:
Bats never leave as​ easily as​ they enter .​
a​ person could learn Arabic before the​ ZIT clears matters up.
Heat leaves houses quite quickly resulting in​ cold ZITs.
Bats tend to​ turn up in​ the​ middle of​ the​ night .​
Sleep deprivation is​ a​ direct side effect of​ ZITs .​
Lesson 3 – Modernization
Athletic newbies frequently combine the​ open window/door approach of​ a​ ZIT with a​ more proactive approach .​
They jump around with a​ blanket in​ an​ attempt to​ herd bats outside .​
This is​ the​ Comforter Herding Ejection Technique (CHET) .​
a​ good CHET take two people .​
Even then CHETs are hard .​
Bats do not know they shouldn’t fly around the​ blanket.
The technique is​ rendered totally ineffective when your husband, who is​ suppose to​ hold the​ opposite side of​ the​ blanket, does a​ stop, drop and​ roll every time he spots a​ bat from thirty yards away.
At night neighbors can see you, but not the​ bat .​
So there you are running amuck in​ your PJs .​
The doors and​ windows are wide open as​ you spiraling over furniture with your flag-like fabric in​ tow .​
Meanwhile your underwear-clad man is​ having what is​ apparently some version of​ repeating epileptic seizures .​
And you, you cold-hearted bitch, you just keep on dancing.
Lesson 4 – BET Evolution
Bat invasion number three of​ year number two was a​ turning point for​ me .​
For some bizarre reason I​ was washing the​ morning dishes .​
We must have been out of​ coffee .​
Obviously I​ was not quick-witted enough to​ get out of​ dish duty .​
Suddenly, I​ heard the​ high-pitched chatter of​ a​ bat straight over my head .​
The space over my cabinets is​ where all my gigantic jelly-making kettles are poised .​
Grabbing the​ step stool, I​ hovered near and​ listened .​
Something was in​ my stoneware – dark, like a​ cave, the​ crafty little bugger .​
Please, don’t let it​ get airborne .​
I​ have to​ go to​ town this morning, I​ thought .​
There was no time for​ the​ traditional CHET dance .​
My cerebral light bulb clicked on .​
Hey, It’s easier to​ catch bats when they aren’t moving .​
a​ Nobel Prize for​ would be mine .​
Apparently washing dishes has some net value after all .​
I​ slid a​ plate over the​ stoneware rim and​ took my captive out side .​
Plate removed, an​ upside-down shake and​ plop .​
The bat was on the​ ground .​
I​ watched for​ a​ moment making sure my son’s devil cat did not turn up .​
Finally, the​ bat orientated itself and​ flew off with chatter .​
Dam, I’m good, I​ mused .​
Then I​ turned and​ took two steps towards the​ door .​
Gasp! Leap! Curse!
Something bad hit my bare foot .​
Reflexes took over .​
I​ went for​ a​ field goal .​
Another bat had been in​ the​ jar .​
Curse! Hebbie Jebies! Will I​ never learn? Twos, always twos! Scratches, tiny claws on my foot - it​ was all to​ early .​
First dishes, then this .​
The traumatized bat landed several feet away .​
It took a​ good five minutes before the​ winged menace recovered enough to​ fly off .​
Headed for​ town, I​ left a​ note for​ my son .​
Finish the​ dishes.
Lesson 5 – BET Mastery
I learned two things that morning .​
First, generic dish soap sucks .​
Second, a​ motionless bat is​ the​ best bat to​ catch .​
Chasing them in​ flight is​ a​ fool’s game .​
In retrospect Samuel, my Great Pyrenees, had attempted to​ point this out earlier that spring .​
Hearing one of​ the​ midnight riots, I​ ordered all my dogs out .​
There was no need to​ look for​ the​ cause .​
I​ knew by then what the​ combination of​ barking and​ a​ synchronized chase meant at​ 1 a.m .​
Ho hum, more bats in​ the​ house .​
The other dogs complied .​
Sam however stood there looking sleepy, stubborn, sad and​ guilty.
Anyone who owns a​ Pyrenees knows this is​ their natural state .​
Just as​ I​ demanded, Samuel, go! I​ spotted the​ diminutive little wing sticking out from under his massive front paw .​
Here Mom, a​ motionless bat is​ the​ best bat to​ catch .​
He is​ a​ genius!
BET Summary
Grab a​ teacup or​ the​ aquarium net and​ a​ saucer
Wait for​ a​ landing
Cup/net over the​ Bat
Saucer or​ magazine carefully slid under
Out the​ door it​ goes
Hee Haw! With practice you’ll be back in​ bed before the​ underwear-clad epileptic knows your gone .​
You can BET on it.

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